Confusion

I'm really confused now... Just let me vent. I'm not going to tell you much. You probably know that already. I got many secrets. I keep complaining that i need to talk, but i don't.

Well... i just hate not having answers. This is so irritating. I mean.. There's so many things happening.. so many choices. I know i don't have to make them all at the same time. Not knowing were each choice is going to take me make me nervous, confused. What am i going to do? So what if I wanna do that? Will others let me? Will there be too many obstacles to handle?

Actually, every body should feel like me once in a while right? Don't you feel irritated. A little scared even? As i said before, i am never brave enough. And never will be. But i'm not scared. I'm just not brave enough to make the choice even. Without making the choice... there is no fear that comes. Just more confusion, more anticipation in vain. So many times... i run through images in my head.. instances which might happen or never happen. May they be wishful thinking, may it be the worst case scenario, may it just be a fragment of my imagination. What would they mean? What would they bring?

If only i knew. Just one answer. Even just a hint.

Love?

Today's big topic, love. I am sure all of us have felt love before. Everyone is loved. Firstly, your parents would always be loving you. Althought you may not always feel it. Well, it true. It is a consolation is this world, where at every corner there are bad things, evil things and just things that we don't like. And then there is brotherly, sisterly love. These are the kind that we always think that it is not present but we are just cheating ourselves. This goes to see, just how deep is our heart. Just how much we can hide.

Well, of course there is the all popular love. Where a guy meets a girl and mutual feelings grow. But this feeling may not always be mutual. Haven't you heard of crushes? Crushes are most commonly one sided. They normally grow only on one person. While the other doesn't feel it. Have you had a crush? I'm sure you have. Remember, don't cheat yourself.

I've cheated myself many times too. Although, i always ended up knowing that i'm cheating myself and thus leading to worse feelings. Here, i'm going to tell you one of my biggest crush. No, i'm not telling you how we met or how we went or how it ended or whatever. Just read.

Well, it never really ended. But it started. It was never known. Never. People will know i have a crush, but you'll still don't know who. Never mind. Continue. Well, it was one sided all right. But.. well, it's a learning experience. Laughable. But now... If i were to live it again, i'm sure it will be the same. Because.. i'm not brave enough. Even now, if i were to meet him again... It would still remain. The initial feelings are gone, but memories stay.

What would you do if you meet your old crush again one day? Would your feelings be revived? Or the beginning of a new kind of relationship? I wouldn't know would i? For me... Bravery would always remain an issue. Not just for this crush...

The fragile life

Isn't life just so fragile? You can die anytime, from anything, at anywhere. You can die when you're 18, killed by a hit and run driver. Or you could die when you're 30, from cancer. You can die at 75 of osteoporosis. Anything is possible. Man is like a piece of glass. Just something that comes along and break it, you're shattered. Nothing you can do to piece everything back.

But you cannot not die. So how do you want to die? Or rather more importantly, what do you want to do before you die?

There is more than a gazillion things that i wanna do i die. But would i have the chance to do it? Would i think of doing it before i die? Or would i only think of it when everything is too late. Death sometimes just comes so suddenly. One moment you're here, one moment you're not.

Love your life, Love yourself, Love everyone. Or at least try. Before trying becomes impossible.

Where is the family?

I've been reading quite abit lately. Pretty fast too. It's my reading season. But i noticed sort of a trend. Whenever there is a love story involved, the leading girl and guy is always fighting against another girl or guy. However, the family is never present. If they are present, the only reason is that the family is opposing thier relationship and they are beign the "bad guys". But, if they are not "villians", they are not present in the story. Nowhere in the story... Is this an American trend? That they ignore thier family mostly? I think probably, a western trend. In Asia, the family cannot be disregarded. Hmm... maybe it changed. I probably have to go read some asain writers to know about that. Anyone who want to recommend a book or tell me how the asian writers treat thier family is welcomed. But.. i doubt anyone is bothered...

The little puppets in Life

The life of a JC student is so pathetic. It is so boring and there is nothing interesting. What do you wanna know about it? All we always talk about is how much work we have and how much more there is. Isn't that sad? Where is all the sass? Where is all the excitement? Where are all the REAL interesting stuff? Not the ones that we try to pretend it's interesting. It so sad....

Come to think of it, the rest of Singapore isn't that exciting too. The urban is city is full of life, but it's not all that fun. What can you do? Shop, party, eat, party and shop more? Sometimes, don't you wonder what the rest of the world does? How nice if you could just be someone different everyday, but yet still the same you? Then you can say i've been this and this and that. But then again, isn't that going tobe confusing? You'll never know what to do, because everyday you wake up, you're stupid, it's your first day, how well do you think it'll go? The mysteries of life. Life so interesting, yet so confusing and complex.

Let me share with you what i thought about well when i was younger, sometimes i still think it's true.

Why do we do what we do? I thought that maybe there is a great big puppeteer. We're all puppets. Just a tug of his string, our hands of legs or wherever moves. That is why we move. Because there is just hundreds of little invisible strings controlling us, making us do what we do. Our minds may not be controlled by strings, but body and mind works as one. So we think what we want to think, but not always do what we want to do.

Ain't i childish?

Here's a really old picture of the original oriental aka A Touch of Asia. Look at my pants. They're good. Too bad i'm taller now and can't wear it anymore. Sigh. ( for the reason read previous post)

Please don't think i'm crazy to scan my pants. Infact it's my costume. Correction, someone else's pants. But mine suppose to look the same. Those who know it know it. It's just that i got to paint that pattern onto a new set of pants. Why do other's get nice pants and i got to paint. i know the reason but i just don't like to admit it. It's not my fault. But it's over. Thank goodness.

I know.. i know...

Yup.. I know how many times I visited this again. The first post after donkey time. Ya... why am i back? I really don't know. Call it inspiration. Call it rashness. Call it stupidity in a moment of folly. Wait... that means the same thing. Whatever.
So what am i going to say... doesn't really matter. The world doesn't see this.
I think i'm being influenced. Too much. I don't like that. I am me. I don't want to change. Stubborn old me. But i like it. So changing out of my own skin does not seem appealing. Nevertheless I am influenced unwillingly. What am i suppose to do? I need a barricade. Buti don't want to block myself out again. Yes... not AGAIN. I already been alone too much.
Alone is not something you want to visit too much. Once in a while it's not bad. But not overly much. Lonliness makes you an empty shell. Not totally true, but to an extent.

Alone I am under the sky
Beneath the only star
I look up and dream to fly
Only to know i am so far

What a bad attempt. But ah well, it wasted some time.

Why am i always thinking of what others would say. One day i would just burst. When i cannot contain any longer. But i know my stubborness is strong, way too strong for my own good. What would happen when there is no space inside, and there's no way out. I really don't wanna know. Learning to let go... is easier said than done.

hello... how weird it is to blog again. Guess what, it's after the O levels, it's after the month long holiday, and i've started school again. But... I've haven't done any, ANY thing on my list. Plus, I'm not planning to do it. Especailly the knitting and the sequin-ing.
Buying books, i'm doind today. But out of a sudden, i find myself forgetting what tittles i want. I don't know what to get, what tittles i'm really want to buy. Because, it's been a period of 'fighting' The Wanna Reads VS The Wanna Reads Forever ( means buy and keep).
Let's keep that away for now.
School starts again. Results are out. School to start again, again. Good or bad, i really don't know. but i love my new school, my new class. Although, i really hate PE. Sigh. i rather dance 10 hours then to run for 10 mins. It's another one of dancer's bad habits. Or maybe it's just me. ME ME ME. How wierd am I?